And when I feel the
day coming, I begin to write. Writing about this day is a way for me to
remember, to process, and to honor Pat Dailey and Mark Logsdon. Except this year,
was different. This year, I wasn’t sure if I would write at all. The words I’ve
been writing in this season aren’t meant for an audience. I didn’t expect today’s
words to be any different. But then, I remembered…I really remembered.
Once the calendar
turns to February 10, I live in the tension of feeling gratitude and heartache
at the same time. By the end of the day, I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted
and ready for the calendar to turn to February 11.
Even though I’ve done
so much to work through the trauma of the day, I remember the day and the
details well.
“Greater love has no
man than this that he lay down his life for his friends.”
And when I think of
Jesus doing that for me, I can somehow reconcile it within myself. To die on
the cross was the reason he came to earth, he was fulfilling prophecy, and Jesus
calls me a friend.
But two police
officers?
I didn’t know them.
They didn’t know me. They were “making contact” as it was called — not
anticipating the day would be deadly.
But friends are what
the officers have become.
Heroes.
Names forever engraved
onto my heart.
Three years ago, I
woke up early in the morning of the day I was going to see a psychiatrist for
the first time. I was really upset about this appointment. I had done all the
things, said all the prayers, met with pastors and counselors, and still, I was
being smothered by a fog that wouldn’t lift.
And in the early
morning, I felt the Holy Spirit whisper, “if hope is your anchor, joy is your
promise.”
So I anchored myself
to hope. Truthfully, it wasn’t much hope but something was better than nothing.
Over time, the fog
began to lift. I started to laugh and enjoy life again. Joy was the promise.
And joy I was given.
Maybe I say all of
that to simply say this — God is good. It sounds cliché, I know. But I say it
with an authority – with some credentials behind it, if you will. I say that as
someone who has been through hell before and, to be transparent with you, I’m
going through a bit of a hell now. So in this season I’ve asked Him to remind
me He’s good and to show me His goodness and His kindness.
Because in my
humanness, sometimes I can’t find His divine goodness. It's not that it isn't there...my vision gets blurred and I don't see it clearly. As recently as last
week, I couldn’t find His goodness. But I asked Him again to show me His
goodness…and He was just as faithful as always. There’s a sweetness to His
goodness. And once you taste His goodness, everything else is bitter.
I keep a list in my
phone of His goodness. I call it, “Remember God” and under the title is this
verse:
“But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.”
Psalms 77:11-12 NLT
Tonight, when I write on my list of ways God was good to me today, I will write the names of the friends who have remembered me on this day. They've prayed with and for me, sent cards, texts, and messages throughout the day. These friends on this day are reminders of God's goodness to me. I'm so grateful.
Even when gratitude
and heartache co-exist within my heart, He is good and He is faithful and His
goodness is sweet.
