Due Date

Seven months ago we encountered a grief we’d never expected – we found out we were miscarrying a baby. I still grieve the little baby we will never know this side of heaven. But I take comfort in knowing three things: God is still on the throne, nothing is wasted, and we aren’t alone in this journey.

Thank you to the brave women who have shared your stories recently with me and on social media. You’ve comforted, encouraged, and inspired me through my own grief.

I wrote the words below the day after learning that our baby had stopped growing and I’m sharing our story today –on what would have been our baby’s due date, November 20, 2018.

Some days I struggle to find the same optimism that I wrote this blog with but every day, I choose joy. And joy is not always the easiest choice but it’s what I choose.

This is our story…

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Thursday morning, March 22, 2018 I awoke and quickly jumped out of bed.

There were two lines – TWO LINES!

I laid the test on Ben’s chest. It was faint but it was there. We celebrated and took a picture. I called the doctor and made an appointment. I’d be 8 weeks and 2 days along at the time of the appointment.

A few days later, I took another test and the word “pregnant” appeared. I was filled with joy.

Thursday, April 12 I awoke late because Ethan had been sick and up in the middle of the night. Ben took the day off work to accompany me to the doctor and since Ethan was sick he’d be tagging along, too.

We arrived, filled out some paperwork, and went into the sonogram room.

The tech asked me some questions and then I looked at her face. I asked, “do you see a baby?” She turned the screen towards me and said, “you’re only measuring at five weeks which means...” “there’s no baby.” I finished the sentence. “I’m so sorry,” she said, and her eyes welled up with tears.

Ethan, my precious, very aware, and very compassionate son, saw the look on my face and said, “Mommy. Mommy.” His eyes welled with tears. I told him it’s okay and he said, “I hold you” and he climbed onto my lap.

We were moved into another room to meet with the doctor. At just five weeks, our baby had stopped growing. By eight weeks, we should have seen a heartbeat and a little baby the size of a raspberry.

But that wasn’t to be.

We talked to the doctor and asked questions. The office staff couldn’t have been nicer or more compassionate. One blood draw later and we were on our way.

While we don’t know if the baby was to be a boy or a girl, I named her April Joy. April for the month we knew we’d be meeting her in heaven and Joy for the joy she brought to our lives.

I’m amazed at the sovereignty of God and his grace and mercy. One of my first thoughts after receiving the news was, “this is no surprise to Jesus.” I’m comforted in knowing that God is so much bigger than this and He’s already holding April Joy until we meet her one day. I never quite understood what it felt like to long for a place I’d never been but today, I long for heaven and the day we’ll meet our baby.

We know now that this probably means there was something abnormal with the pregnancy. And a miscarriage is my body’s way of protecting me. While we’ll probably never know exactly what the abnormality was, we do believe that it is God’s sovereignty that is allowing us to experience this pain verses a miscarriage later in the pregnancy which would be more dangerous for the baby and me.

I am sad, but I am grateful to know a God who loves me, who knows the hairs on my head, and has written His name on my heart. He’s still King and He still sits on the throne. As one of my favorite authors, Lysa Terkeurst says, “God is good, God is good to me, God is good at being God.”

Although I am sad and grieving, I know we’re held closely by the Father who holds our baby. I know He mourns with us, I know He entrusted a baby to us, and I believe that he’ll do it again. I will worship Him and thank Him for the baby who was “fearfully and wonderfully made.”

He makes all things work together for our good. I believe that the very core of my being.

"I will remain confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord." Psalm 27:13

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Most days I wear a necklace with an arrow hanging from it. Engraved on the side is Psalm 127 “Children are like arrows in the hands of a warrior.” It’s fitting that in October, on the Annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, I added a second arrow. I needed something to remember our baby with; something to know the baby existed – that for a few short weeks there was another life growing inside of me.

Thank you for reading our story. You’ve been a part of our healing process and you’ve helped this to not feel quite so scary. If you’re facing infertility or a miscarriage or a loss, I’d love to hear your story. There is something powerful that happens when we vocalize our pain.

From the Archives - The Fullness of His Grace

Today's post is from the archives, if you will and was initially published on our previous blog in January, 2016. I hope you're encouraged.

Today was dubbed “Ethan/Mommy Day” in which we’d rest after the hustle and bustle of the Christmas Season. The best laid plans always go to waste and we have yet to watch a movie. Oh well. Ethan is sleeping soundly and I’m enjoying our Christmas lights before taking down the decorations later this week. This post is a few weeks in the making and two words explain the delay – “Christmas Season.” And in the midst of “Ethan/Mommy Day,” I feel very pressed to put these words to paper.

On October 16 I wrote this in my journal, “I believe each person was put on this Earth for a specific purpose – or purposes. We each have a calling on our lives and it’s up to us to step into or step away from our calling. I want to be the kind of woman who steps faithfully and boldly into my calling.”

I don’t think I really knew the weight of my words when I wrote them and I certainly don’t think I actually would step into any kind of “calling.” O ye of little faith.

The day before I was scheduled to return to work in November I was asked to go on a job interview and was offered a job on the spot. The job was closer to home with consistent hours and it seemed like a good opportunity. When I got home, an e-mail was waiting for me from a different company that hires Virtual Assistants and they wanted to interview me, too!

I really loved being an Event Manager and it was literally a dream come true to work at my Alma Mater. I worked with some really incredible people and I am so thankful to have had 2½ really good years at my dream job. However, this position had served its purpose and served it well and it was time to leave. There are very few times in my life that I’ve had complete peace about a decision and this was one of those times. So 4 days after returning to work, I took a step of faith and gave my two weeks’ notice.

The interview process with the Virtual Assistant Company was expected to take a few weeks so we planned that I would accept the job closer to home and continue to walk through the process with the VA Company. If all went how we’d hoped, I’d be offered and would accept a contact as a VA and would leave the full-time position.

A couple of weeks later, the job closer to home fell through. I often reminded myself that this was a step of faith; not a step of perfect. I felt God had ordered my steps this far and trusted that He would continue to do so but, to be totally honest, I was really scared. What if this didn’t all work out the way we’d hoped? What if becoming a VA felStop worrying, I told myself. God is still God and He’s still good even if you don’t get what you want.
l through, too? Then what? Would I be okay being a stay-at-home-mom 100% of the time? I really like working so to not have any job with an income would be a big shift. Would I still trust God if this step of faith didn’t work out the way I thought it would? Or the way I wanted it to? This “step of faith” is a challenge for my “always-in-control” personality and Ben’s “dollars and cents” thinking. 

A week or two after Thanksgiving, I was offered a contract to become a VA. I cried. Not just cried, but ugly cried. God had asked for my step of faith and in return he’d provided exactly what we had been asking and praying for. Thank you, Jesus. You are so good.

As previously mentioned, the interview and hiring process can take a few weeks and once offered a contract, it may still be a few weeks to match the right client with the right VA. I’d previously met with the company to discuss two different clients but for one reason or another, it wouldn’t have been the best match. Again, I began to worry. Had I come this far only to not find the right client? There were a lot of “what if” questions that were never ending. Again, I reminded myself that this was a step of faith and quoted Philippians 4:6-7 over and over and over again.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Then, just last week, it happened – a perfect client match. God is our provider. This client’s career, passions, and faith are so inspiring to me and I’m so excited to begin working for him. In the weeks before returning to work I often told Ben, “I want to have my cake and eat it, too.” Meaning I wanted to work and stay home with Ethan. Sometimes, I didn’t know what to pray except exactly that so “to have my cake and eat it, too” became my prayer.

During this season of our lives, our church went through a series about finances. It’s easy to groan when “church” and “finances” are in the same sentences but instead of groan, we grew through this season. (And our church presents financial matters with extreme wisdom and tact so much so that the financial series is one of my favorite series each year!)

My husband is a “dollars and cents” kind of guy. He can quickly add, subtract, multiply, divide (big) numbers, figure out percentages and fractions, and determine if a purchase is a “good deal” all in about 60 seconds. I’d still be counting numbers on my fingers. With the loss of my income and the holidays looming all happening at the same time, we were tightening our budget until we got through the holidays. We love our church but for one reason or another we aren’t always the most consistent when it comes to tithing. When we most wanted to cut down on the amount of money going out, I knew tithing was an area in which we needed to become faithful. Our faithfulness in this area couldn’t wait until we got through the holiday season. Our faithfulness needed to begin immediately.

So we began tithing and it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was scarier than all the steps of faith combined. Sure, we’d be able to pay all of our bills and buy Christmas presents and host big Christmas meals, but we just had to be wise and trust God.

And every time we tithed and trusted God and took another step of faith, God was faithful. I can look back on the past few weeks and tell you about a blessing from every week because of our tithe. Would we have been blessed even if we hadn’t tithed? I’m sure in some ways, yes. We wake up every morning in a warm house and have gas in our cars – we’re already blessed. But I do believe that because we trusted God with our first ten percent, he abundantly blessed the remaining ninety percent.

The ladder part of 2015 brought our family some wonderful blessings but we also experienced some really dark days and had to trust that God would be our provider and order our steps accordingly. I am learning better than ever before that when obey God with our steps of faith, he will be abundantly faithful. I think it’s best summed up in John 1:16

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.

From the Archives - Sharing the Scary

Today's post is from the archives, if you will, and was initially published on our previous blog in January, 2017. Since today is exactly one year from this incident, I am sharing our story again. I am so thankful for God's mercy and provision during the scariest night of our lives. He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord our healer and Jehovah Shamah, our ever-present Lord. He was with us that night and every moment since. We've never journeyed through parenthood alone and for that, I am overwhelmed by His mercy and goodness.

I wrote this post on September 12, 2016 but didn’t immediately post it and then I forgot about it. It’s been enough time that I feel comfortable sharing this story. A January 2017 update is at the end of this post.

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I’ve debated sharing this story but I’m committed to sharing the beautiful, hell-hard, and scary moments of our lives. Last night was scary.

There are moments that will be permanently carved into your memory. Last night was one of those moments.

Our church has a new location, believe it or not, it’s a former BMW car dealership. It’s pretty cool. Within the next few weeks the car lifts will be replaced with auditorium seats and the BMW signs replaced with WOL and banners with 4 dots. Last night we had the opportunity to tour the dealership that’s being turned (back) into a church.

While we were there, Ethan got increasingly warm and tired. We thought it was due to teething and headed home for some Motrin and bedtime stories. Seconds after pulling out of the parking lot we heard a scream from the back seat. I jumped out of the car and into the back seat and Ethan was shaking. Immediately, I knew he was having a seizure. Ethan quickly came out of the seizure but wasn’t very responsive. Ben raced us to the hospital. We arrived and, with Ethan in my arms, I ran into the ER yelling, “help, help!” In hindsight it may not have been the best way to enter the ER but I’m mama bear and my baby cub needed help.

We were quickly admitted to the hospital. Ethan’s vitals were checked and, as a side note that made us smile, he’s even further off the charts in his weight. Shortly thereafter he was given medicine and we were taken to a room where he slept in brief amounts of time for another hour.

Then our family showed up, first Tim and Nicky, followed by Ben’s mom and dad, a check-in from Dan and my brother, my parents, and our pastor-parents, Kelly and Helen. Their love and support means leaps and bounds to us but what means even more is that they showed up in any way they could. They were all there when we needed them. Fiercely guard, value, love, and protect your family – you’ll never regret it. All day family and friends have checked in with us and my mama-heart is overwhelmed by the love and concern. It takes a village and I love our village.

After a few hours in the hospital we were sent home with a viral diagnosis, a fever that caused a seizure, and a little boy who wanted to smile and play with all the nurses. We’re exhausted but we’re home with our little boy and he’ll be back to his normal self in the next few days.

The scripture that I prayed over and over aloud as we sped to the hospital was, “no weapon formed against us shall prosper. No evil thing shall come from this. You work everything together for our good. And we’re believing that You’re going to work this together for our good. We believe and claim that right now, Lord.” I said it over and over again and it’s still my prayer today.

I’m so thankful for God’s protection as we drove to the hospital, although the seizure was scary and we pray it never happens again, it’s commonly seen in small children, and for that, we’re thankful. This is no indication that he has any kind of epilepsy or seizure disorder. We learned today that Ethan’s body having a seizure was actually his body’s way of protecting itself from the fever. It’s so incredible to me how God wired our bodies to take care of themselves. I can’t say enough good things about  the doctors and nurses who took such good care of our baby. A visit to the pediatrician today confirmed last night’s diagnosis and we’re all breathing easier now.

“God is good. God is good at being God. God is good to us.” Lysa TerKeurst

I’m so thankful that we found ourselves at the car-dealership-turned-church. Had we not been there, Ethan probably would have already been in bed when the fever spiked and we wouldn’t have known about it, and may have missed the seizure. In fact, we might not have known about any of it  at all. God truly ordered our steps yesterday and worked it all together for our good.

As you think of it, please pray for Ethan’s continued healing and for our parent-hearts and minds. Parenting isn’t for the faint at heart and today my heart is a little faint.

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January, 2017 Update – As expected, Ethan made a full recovery and hasn’t had another seizure. We continue to be so thankful for God’s protection and provision that night in September. Today, the car dealership looks like a church – just how it was always meant to be.