November 20 will always and forever
be a date that is seared into my memory. I’ve been thinking about this date for
weeks. Unsure of the emotion this day would bring but fully aware that there is
a Jenna that existed BEFORE this date and a different Jenna AFTER this date.
We’d been trying to have a baby for
just over a year. Looking back, that isn’t a very long time. But at the time,
it felt like an eternity. Perhaps, especially, because I got pregnant with
Ethan VERY quickly then when we decided to have another baby, it just wasn’t
happening. When we finally did get pregnant, after several months, it ended in
a miscarriage.
It would have been easy to believe
the lies that the enemy so often wanted to whisper in my ears. Lies like Ben
and I were somehow being punished or I wasn’t meant to be a mother and several
others. Honestly, I was beginning to feel sad about it and I was learning to
say, “okay, Lord, if all you give us is one child, I’m okay with that. I trust
you.”
Then one night last fall we found
out that Ben’s brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby. I literally
could not stop screaming when I saw the bandannas they’d tied around their
dogs’ necks. I couldn’t stop screaming long enough to say why I was screaming,
I couldn’t stop screaming to hug them, I couldn’t stop screaming when everyone
told me to stop screaming. I was so excited!!
But, before we left their house that
evening, Ben and I both began to feel the sadness set in. It was bittersweet —
we were so excited for them but equal parts sad for us. It felt hard. It was
hard. We hadn’t shared with anyone but our parents about the miscarriage
earlier in the year and we wanted a baby so badly. I remember saying to Ben
when we got home, “I want to baby so our baby can grow up with their baby.”
I got in the shower and I remember
saying out loud, “do you see me, God? I just need to know you see me and hear
me that’s all.” As we got into bed that night, a Facebook message popped up on
my phone. It was from someone who attends the same church we do. I can still
remember her exact message:
“Hi Jenna. This is —— from ——
campus. I just feel to tell you that, the God you serve and love, sees you and
knows your heart and wants you to know he hears you, he is near and will
fulfill his promise to you.”
This message still gives me the
chills. This person and I had only ever met once months prior, we’d never
communicated outside of that introduction, she had no idea we’d been trying to
have a baby, she didn’t know about our miscarriage (at the time only our
parents knew about it), and she definitely didn’t know the joy and sadness we
were feeling in that exact moment.
And, did you catch it? She said,
“will fulfill his PROMISE (not promises) to you.” This was a prophetic word
about one specific promise. She had no idea about what promise that was — but
we knew exactly what it was.
My response to her, “You can’t even
know how timely this word is. It is exactly what I needed tonight. Exactly.
Thank you so much. I can’t even thank you enough.”
One month later, November 20 — the
due date of the baby we lost — we found out that I was pregnant. I couldn’t
even believe it. He’d been faithful. He’d been beautifully faithful.
Right around that time, Ben’s
brother and sister-in-law had a gender reveal party — they were having a girl!
A few months later we learned we’d be having a girl. Not only was God giving us
babies to raise together, but also two GIRLS to raise together further
answering my desire to have children who would grow up together.
I don’t know what promise you’re
waiting for God to fulfill. Maybe it’s a baby or a relationship, a job, healing,
redemption, restoration, freedom, a loved ones salvation, anything. Maybe
you’re getting tired of praying for the same thing over and over and over
again. I get it. But I know this — He WILL fulfill His promise to you. And if
you ever question it (and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be honest with our
God) you need look no further than the little baby we name Eliana — her name
means, “God has answered.”
